if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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