she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
