i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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