I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
