90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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