I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I think my fart just growled at me.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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