The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
