Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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