if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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