Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
