Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
