If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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