please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
We were destined to go to rehab together
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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