There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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