Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
