Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Randomize
