i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
