Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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