True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
