I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
