you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
