I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
