your parents love me but you hate me
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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