Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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