three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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