you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
