Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
