i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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