theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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