Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
