so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
