You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
don't judge my taste in strippers
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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