Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
