he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
