pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
