Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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