proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
