i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Randomize
