if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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