you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
