if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
