she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Randomize