Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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