So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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