you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
