I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
