6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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