Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
