On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Sorry my hands just texted you
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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