My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
try to milk me bitch
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