Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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