Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
