Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
